Softness as a path to true connection

True connection between people does not arise at the surface. It emerges where we are willing to be present in our essence. In our inner world. In that which precedes posture, opinion, behaviour and defence. It is from this layer that we truly meet one another.

To reach the inner world of another, we first have to be willing to enter our own. That requires courage. It asks that we dare to live from who we truly are, beyond the persona we have developed in order to function and hold our ground. In that core lies something fundamentally human: softness.

Softness is not a personality trait. It is not behaviour and it is not a learned skill. It is the natural state of our being. Not everyone has access to it. Some have become so far removed from their humanity that what remains is primarily a functioning shell. Human‑like, yet no longer truly in contact with the core. This is not a judgement, but an observation of how deeply alienation can take root.

From this perspective it becomes clear why connection can only arise from softness. The softness referred to here has nothing to do with being nice or agreeable. It is a state of being that alone grants access to the inner world. Hardness can impress, set boundaries or create distance. It cannot build a bridge inward.

When you encounter hardness in another, hardening yourself may seem like the logical response. Yet it is precisely an invitation to move deeper into your own softness. Not by exposing yourself indiscriminately, but by remaining present in your essence. This path requires practice and perseverance. It confronts you. And it is also the only path that truly connects.

In daily interactions we respond almost exclusively to one another’s outer layer. To words, tone, posture and behaviour. This outer layer is a protective mechanism. It is never our true self. It is a shield that always stands in opposition to what it protects. According to the same principle found in yin and yang, the outer layer reveals through contrast what lies beneath.

Here lies a subtle invitation. Can you see someone’s posture for what it is: a posture? Can you, from within your own core, reach towards the core of the other, beyond visible behaviour? As long as someone’s essence is hidden behind the shield, it is not perceptible in the physical sense. It is, however, perceptible in the metaphysical field. To sense there requires inner softness. An awareness of your own being. From that presence a different kind of perception emerges. Call it a sixth sense. The capacity to feel presence, independent of words and form.

This protective layer is not entirely opaque. There is transparency within it. How much can shine through is shaped by life experience. The heavier the burden carried, the denser the shield. What nevertheless shines through is real. The colouring may distort, yet the core remains present.

As long as we respond to the outer layer, we do not reach the inner world. We continue to communicate from mask to mask. Each reaction from the outer layer reinforces our own protective shell. In this way, mutual hardness is sustained, often without our awareness.

Beneath all of this lies a shared longing: safety. The safety to show ourselves as we are. To live without filters. Without a mask meant to protect us from rejection, misuse or pain. That safety does not arise from rules, agreements or social contracts. Nor does it arise from judgement or hardness. Safety emerges where softness is received.

In this context, the call to be vulnerable is easily understood. Yet vulnerability is often another posture. A form. A way of being seen. That too remains a layer. True openness carries no agenda and no story. It is simply present.

Our perception complicates this further. We mainly trust what we see and hear, filtered through interpretation. We are trained to approach reality through our five senses and to interpret everything we perceive within established mental frameworks. These frameworks are shaped by upbringing and life experience. Neural patterns that determine what we are able to perceive and what remains outside our awareness.

As a result, each person lives within their own inner frame of reference. What one believes they are expressing is rarely what the other receives. Yet we respond as though our interpretation is reality itself. In this way, we do not meet in truth, but in projection.

Because we meet one another primarily at the level of the outer layer, being soft feels risky. Our outer layers have hardened in order to protect inner softness. When we respond to those layers, the core disappears from view. We connect as though we are coordinating clothing, while the human being remains hidden.

We have learned how to hold our ground. How to be strong, assert ourselves and protect our conditions. We have not learned how to offer space. We have not learned how to truly connect. We function as avatars in the world, carefully constructed and recognisable, while our essence waits quietly in the background. The avatar lives. The human waits.

From this angle, the scepticism surrounding softness becomes understandable. Softness is seen as naïve, weak or unrealistic. The world is hard, we say. Softness is something for later, for better times. As though connection depends on circumstances. If we wait for the world to feel safe before opening ourselves, that movement will never occur. It is through opening that the world changes. Connection grows from human to human, one encounter at a time.

Those who dare to look beyond hardness and continue to see the core in another, therefore begin with themselves. By giving space to that core within. By not moving along with the outer layer, but continuing to reach inward.

That choice carries a cost. You will stumble. People will cross your boundaries. You will receive mental and emotional blows. That is part of living without a shield. At the same time, something else emerges. Softness evokes softness. Not always immediately and not always visibly. Each time it returns to you, you know that something has been touched. That light has entered where there was once closure.

Every setback invites further deepening. A renewed search for softness within yourself. Many people do not know what that feels like. Not because it is absent, but because we have been taught to distrust it. Softness has been equated with weakness, while in truth it requires profound inner stability.

When we release our filters, what remains is our pure being. Seemingly unprotected. That can feel naked. And at the same time, our true self is our most powerful form of protection. From that anchoring, stepping into the world means that hardness may meet you without being able to break you. The deeper you remain rooted in your core, the less grip hardness has.

It also means that meeting can only occur from core to core. Connecting with an outer layer is no longer possible once you have laid down your own.

There, in that space, true connection arises. Not because the world has become soft, but because you have reclaimed softness as your own.

This year, I challenged myself to find that softness within me, to embrace it and to deepen it. To anchor myself in it more firmly, and to explore the recurring effect this has in my contact with others.

The many well-intended pieces of advice to be tougher, to stand up for myself, to do things on my own terms and to set boundaries were, in part, the impulse for this article. They made me very aware of how normal hardness has become, and how it is generally seen as a good thing when you assert yourself and draw a line. The familiar “you have to, because…” reveals how little trust there is that we can truly create a more beautiful world. We mostly continue along the well-trodden path, because… you have to.
Or do you?